god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
