You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
