wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
