You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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