I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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