there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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