You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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