i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
