I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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