My cat gives me a boner
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
