Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
