There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
