So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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