I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
