the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
did i walk over a car last night?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
