if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
