I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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