i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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