trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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