Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
