I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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