By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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