Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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