the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
