I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
