Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
