im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
