when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
