Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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