1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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