I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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