I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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