As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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