I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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