i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
