john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
