When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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