its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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