mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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