so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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