He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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