the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
