Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
