The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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