Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
