I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
