If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
