You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
