I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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