I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
