im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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